Making Up for Lost Hair

I haven't written about hair for awhile, so I figured it was high time I again touched on this important side effect ;-), especially since I've recently experienced a change.

My hair didn't stand a chance against the big guns.  While I was on abraxane, it never really stopped growing.  I had to shave my head every couple of weeks or so.  No longer. (pun intended)  In fact, recently, my eyebrows and eyelashes have all fallen out.  This gives me that "chemo eyes" look everyone associates with cancer.  I have an even harder time looking at myself in the mirror these days.

To combat the mirror blues, I decided I'd better start wearing makeup every day, even when I don't expect anyone outside my family to see me.  Drawing eyebrows on is something I've never had to do before.  It is a tricky business.  Sometimes I look like a lopsided Groucho Marx.  But maybe I'll get the hang of it by the time my eyebrows begin to grow back in a couple of months.

I also tried fake eyelashes without much success.  I never could get them to glue on right so they weren't poking me in the eye.  So, I finally settled for painting a dark line on the lid with eyeliner and calling it good.  Steve said he can't tell I don't have lashes unless he looks at me from the side.  So, as long as I make an effort to face people head-on, they won't notice, right?

I guess the long and short of it is: I just need to stop worrying so much about how I look, and enjoy life.  I'm in the good part of my cycle now, so I'm doing more and getting out more often.  That's a real morale-booster.  It's also nice to be able to take back some of my responsibilities around the house, like fixing meals and doing laundry.  (Gasp!)  I never thought I'd say that about household chores!

My Rockin' Road Trip

When I first asked my sister if I could join her cross-country road trip, I wondered if I'd lost what little chemo left me of my brain.  After all, a cancer patient making a long road trip to Indiana then flying home on a germ-infested plane seemed a little crazy to me, especially in the week and a half following my first FEC treatment (aka: the big guns).

Miraculously, most of my symptoms cleared up a couple of days before the scheduled trip, and my spirits lifted into the stratosphere.  I was really happy and excited to be going.  So, on Friday June 29th, I met up with my sister Janelle and we headed for our first stop in Denver, Colorado.

A monkey friend I discovered at a Truck Stop playground.

Janelle had a portable GPS because neither of us is stellar with directions, and I'm about the worst navigator in the world.  But we ran into problems getting it to work.  Fortunately, the way was pretty straightforward at first.

The first couple of days we simply drove most of each day (and talked each other's ears off!).  We stayed at a little hotel in Denver the first night, then spent the second night with my brother-in-law and his family in Kansas City.  They were very gracious and welcoming, even though we got in rather late.  We missed an exit, so I had to call "Steve the GPS" to guide us back to where we needed to be.

What a gorgeous family they are!

After that, my brother-in-law fixed the problem we were having with our GPS so we were able to use it.  We christened it "Debbie."  Sometimes Debbie let us down (like when we tried to program in a Chuck-E-Cheese Debbie said was close by, but then she changed her story when we got on the road and said it was really more than 25 miles away!).  But most of the time Debbie diligently led us to our destination and helped us get back on track if we took a wrong turn.  Thanks, Debbie!

Liberty Jail

Independence Visitor's Center

On Sunday, we went to church with my in-laws and said a fond farewell.  We rounded out our Sabbath by visiting the LDS Church sites of Liberty Jail and Independence.  Both were very positive, spiritual experiences.  At Liberty Jail, I contemplated the revelations of comfort and peace Joseph Smith received there amidst such a difficult time in his life, and reflected that these same versus bring comfort to so many of us going through the trials of life.

On Sunday night, we stayed in St. Louis, Missouri.  The next day, we visited the Thomas Jefferson memorial, more commonly known as the Arch or the Gateway to the West.

The Arch . . . It's shiny!

While we waited for our turn to ride a tram to the top of the arch, we looked around their underground Museum of the West and shops.  They had some interesting things, including a wide collection of gold medals that were used to trade with Indians and seal peace treaties.

Our "space pod"

The tram car we rode in to the top of the arch reminded me of an old 60s sci-fi space pod, with white plaster covering the inside and little seats for 5 people to cram into.  The only window looked out on the concrete center of the arch and all its many steps (we were glad we didn't have to climb those!).  The tram was designed a little like a Ferris Wheel to move up the curve of the arch.

Peeking out the window at the view.

At the top, a relatively small corridor was pretty crowded with visitors, all trying to get a peek at the ground far below through little windows lining both sides of the corridor.  Looking out was like looking out the window of an airplane.  As such, I had no fear of heights, even knowing I was up so far--I feel safe when I'm in a solid structure like that.

We ended our day by meeting up with my parents in Corydon, Indiana (they flew) in the midst of a rain storm.  It was so nice to see rain!  It ended up being the only time we had respite from the heat during my whole vacation.  Somehow, we managed to schedule this trip in the midst of record-breaking temperatures across the nation.  3-digit temps combined with humidity made me grateful for the relative "cool" of Utah when I got home!

Janelle was the entertainment committee!

A future beauty stylist in action.

My brother and his family live near Corydon, so the next day (July 3rd) we visited with them and celebrated my niece's 8th birthday with bubble guns, burritos, presents, and chocolate cake.

The birthday girl!

The Fourth of July celebrations in that area of Indiana are rather more relaxed than what I'm used to at home.  Since there was no parade, Janelle and I slept in late.  Then we had brunch at Cracker Barrel with our parents.  Later, Janelle and I caught a 3D matinee of Brave at the local theater.  That night, the big display of fireworks was cancelled, due to the drought they're having even in that part of the country.  So, we enjoyed a small fireworks display in the driveway, courtesy of my brother and his family.

I'm a big fan of caves, so one thing I wanted to do while in Indiana was to visit Marengo Cave, located not too far from our home base in Corydon.  Everyone else humored me by making an outing of it.

The cave visit was very popular that day, as so many other people were retreating underground to beat the heat.  We had to wait awhile in the crowded gift shop for our tour, which gave me plenty of opportunity to find souvenirs. ;-)

I love caves!

It was an awesome cave!  My favorite part was seeing the shallow pools that were so still they perfectly reflected the stalactites above, so it was almost like you were looking down into a lower chamber.  I'm always fascinated by caves.  I'll have to set one of my books in a cave someday.

Janelle and I with our "little" brother

Eating Superman (red and blue) ice cream

After caving, we stopped at a quaint country store, then ate dinner at a restaurant overlooking the Ohio River.  It's a little shocking to see the size of the rivers that far East--so much wider than the rough and tumble "streams" we're used to in the West.

Overlooking the Ohio River.

A local favorite shop.

On my final full day in Indiana, Janelle, my parents, and I did a little site-seeing in downtown Corydon.  It was the capital of Indiana for awhile in the early 1800s, so we saw a few historical things and some fun shops.

"Conversing" with Frank O'Bannon

That evening, Janelle and I went miniature golfing.  This has always been a favorite activity of mine, ever since my kid birthday parties at our local course.  This place was located right by our hotel and had a cool (as in not 100+ degrees) indoor blacklight course that was also very cool (as in awesome!).

Golfing in the Glow

It was some of the best black-lighting decor I've seen (not that I've seen a lot, but it was impressive).  They said local school kids painted it, under the direction of a professional artist.  It was all very clever and wonderful.  At the end of the course, I discovered a pair of 3D glasses and tried them on.  Parts of the paintings popped off the wall into the air!  I wished I'd had the glasses from the start.

It was hard to get a photo not blurred, but my hand reads "I won."  Oh, yeah!

We ended our day with a visit to a local icon hamburger joint.  Janelle parked her car in the driveway while we took pictures by the sign, so we were a bit embarrassed when a local had to drive around us.  She was laughing at the tourists who were so starved for entertainment they were photographing the White Castle sign. :-D

The Vanna Whites of White Castle

The next day, we spent the morning visiting my brother and his family, then I got a ride to the airport.  I regretted that I wasn't able to stay long enough for my niece's baptism on Sunday because I had a treatment on Monday morning.  But, thanks to that wonderful vacation, I felt ready to face chemo again.

I really had a wonderful time!  Janelle has more experience traveling, and started conversations with strangers we encountered.  That really helped me to come out of my shy shell a little and realize how many nice people there are in the world.

I loved seeing new things and finding wonder and delight in something every day.  It lifted me out of my slump and showed me that there is life beyond cancer.  I feel like my creativity well has been filled again after a long drought.

By the Mighty Mississippi

So, I give a heart-felt thanks to my sister for letting me crash her road trip and share the fun, and to all my other family for being so kind and generous and hospitable.  Finally, to my wonderful husband for being "Mr. Mom" at home and supporting me so much in this endeavor, as he does with everything in my life.  He is the most awesome husband any woman could have!  It was great to be home with my family again.

"We Have a Pill for That" or "The Side Effect Chain"

I successfully made it through another chemo treatment--and Steve didn't even have to use his rope (although he threatened).  My doctors--I have 2 now--were very interested in my struggle with side effects last time and gave me advice for how to use the right pills to counter them better.

I've said several times that I feel like a walking pharmacy.  I get these strong medicines that cause awful side effects (like nausea), so they give me pills to counter those side effects.  Guess what?  Those pills have side effects too!  (Like heartburn)  So, I need more pills to counter those side effects . . . and so on and so forth.  For someone who doesn't really like to take a lot of medicine, it's a dizzying Domino effect.

But I have to admit that I'm feeling better today after following the doctor's advice--taking my pills more often, adding a couple to my regime.  Hopefully, I can avoid some of the misery of last time.  And now I only have to do this twice more.  Hurray!

P.S.  I'll give a travelogue of my vacation in my next entry.  :-)

It's the Little Things

I'm coming out of one of the most difficult times I've had so far with cancer.  I guess knowing in your head that it will be hard, and actually experiencing it are two different things. My morale has been at an all-time low.  But there is a light at the end of every tunnel. 

Yesterday, I finally pulled free of the worst symptoms, and the relief sent my spirits soaring.  Cancer is very much the proverbial roller coaster ride.  There are days when I'm at the bottom, and I wonder how I can go on.  But then I climb back out and find faith and light again.

I'm also learning to feel joy in simple things and use it to battle the blues brought on by those low spots.  Steve took me for a drive in the mountains.  He stopped to hop out of the car and pick me a wildflower because I thought they were pretty.  The sun sparkled on its leaves.

We had a five minute rain storm that brought a short respite from the drought and a clean fresh scent to the air.  I watched the storm clouds from my bedroom window until it was too dark to see.

I saw my first rainbow in months, and it occurred to me that all of these small beauties are God's way of sending us peace to soothe us through the hard times, if we just make enough effort to notice them.

Hog-Tie Me

Before I had cancer, chemo treatment conjured up images of bald women constantly hanging over the toilet because they can't keep down their breakfast.  Not a pretty picture, I admit.  Well, I've had the bald part down from the start, but I thought I'd dodged the upset stomach bullet.  Until now.

This week, I discovered just how good I had it with my old chemo regime.  Not that I've been hanging over the toilet--I've been popping pills like a maniac to keep myself from that unpleasant activity--but my stomach still makes its misery known.  Actually, it's been a lot like the first trimester of pregnancy, except I have no bundle of joy to look forward to at the end of this ordeal.

With the new regime, I'm also fighting a greater fatigue than I've had before.  Shopping for clothes the other day required me to constantly stop and rest my arms.  I felt like I was lifting weights, just from pushing clothes on the rack and trying on shirts. 

And then there are the body temperature issues.  One minute, I'm freezing and huddled in blankets; the next minute I'm broiling hot, throwing off my hat and blanket to get some air.  But, I guess you can't expect to get hit with the big guns and walk away unscathed.

My biggest worry is: how in the world will I get myself to go to the next treatment?!  Every time I think about it, I want to pitch a world-class temper tantrum.  Steve said he might have to hog-tie me to get me up there.

The only bright spot is that I don't have to place myself in the line of fire again for 3 weeks.  Maybe by then, I'll be able to work up my courage enough that Steve can leave his rope at home.

Being On the Receiving End

This week, as we drove into town from the latest treatment, we noticed a car wash going on at the Visitor's Center, with lots of kids and teens hosing down cars and waving signs to flag down more customers.  Their signs proclaimed they were the "Service Club."

We hadn't been home long (I was exhausted) when we got a call from our sister-in-law.  She wanted to ensure we were here, and warn us we'd soon have visitors.  Sure enough, after awhile, the kids ecstatically informed us (and half the neighborhood) that a lot of cars and people were coming to our house.  I nearly ran out the back door to hide.

Instead, I braved the crowd on our front porch.  I recognized them as the group we'd passed earlier, running the car wash.  They handed me a fat envelope.  When I opened it and saw the wad of cash inside, I burst into tears.  As one of their adult leaders explained, they'd just formed a service club for kids in our community, and decided to make me and my family their first project. I was deeply touched.

I've always tried to be an independent person, so being on the receiving end of service doesn't come naturally.  If I know someone else needs help, I jump in without hesitation; but I'm not so good at asking for help when I need it.  I find it very difficult to admit to others that everything is not so hunky-dory as I make it seem.

Steve and I constantly get the question: "How are you doing?"  My standard reply is: "Fine. I'm handling the treatments really well."  I like to pretend that my life is still pretty normal.  But reality has a way of bursting my bubble every so often.  Even though I've had it relatively easy so far, this battle takes its toll on my morale.  There are days when I feel that my battle with cancer is slowly stripping me down to nothing--when I realize that my life will never be the same again--and I mourn.

That's why I'm so grateful for sensitive friends and family.  They brighten my day by diving in and doing things for me, often without being asked, because they know I need help . . . even if I stubbornly refuse to admit it.

So, this shout-out goes to all the people who have brought in meals, watched my kids, given me a home during treatment days, dropped off flowers, washed cars for me, quilted for me (a mysteriously anonymous group), and told me I look like a movie star in my wig when I feel like a circus sideshow.  You guys are all awesome--and I am so grateful for each one of you!

Vacation

For the first time, the nurse had some trouble last Monday with my port.  I guess it was clogged or something.  After flushing it with saline several times, he finally got it working.  So, that was a little out of the usual routine.

I only have 1 more treatment of abraxane left, then I switch to a different drug for 4 three-week treatments.  That means I'm almost halfway through chemo.  Hurray!

I haven't written anything for awhile because I've been away from home for a week and a half.  We decided to stay with my parents for the week between 2 treatments and get "2 for the price of 1."  All the kids are out of school now, so we also had the whole crew with us. 

To keep everyone sane, I planned a simple activity each day that would get us out of the house, but not be too exhausting for me.  It was a fun week, and I found myself actually forgetting, at times, that I have cancer.  Here's some highlights:

Feeding the only duck on the pond.  He wasn't very hungry.

The fancy studios at the new KBYU building we toured.  I used to run one of those cameras for real!

The whole gang at the Bean Museum...being charged by an elephant? ;-)

All the kids were enchanted to meet Hedwig (Harry Potter's pet) at the museum!

Eating ice cream at the BYU Creamery--YUM YUM!

Touching animal furs at a "mini" Mountain Man Rendezvous.