Giving Thanks

My carpet of fuzzy grey hair.

On Thanksgiving Day this year, I got the brilliant idea to have the kids make a count-down chain for Christmas with everyone in our family writing something on a link that they're thankful for.  However, I forgot to add one item I'm thankful for: hair!  It's growing back, and I am so thankful!  Maybe by Christmas, I'll dare to walk around without a hat.

There are many more serious things for me to be thankful for this year, not the least of which is the treatments that have allowed me to remain on earth with my family a little longer.  My kids have been incredible, the way they've held up throughout this whole ordeal.  My husband has been absolutely amazing, juggling family and work, especially when I'm not there.  My in-laws are fantastic, taking care of my kids when I can't.  I'm especially grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ, which makes it possible for me to be with my family forever.

Some "city fun" at Fat Cats.

As my family prepared to drive back home this weekend, everybody was loaded in the car except Megan.  I went in search of her and found her crying in the basement, sure she'd been left behind.  I told her that her family would never desert her.  Even if somehow they did, she would get to stay with me all week long.  That cheered her up, and she happily climbed into the truck.

It's tough to watch your family drive away without you.  It made me think how very important it is for me to live my life in a righteous way so that I can be with them for all eternity.  I don't want any of us to get permanently left behind.  I'm so glad that I only have to wait 5 days before I get to see them all again.

I've been living "up north" now for a couple of weeks.  It's fun, but much more quiet (and lonelier) than I'm used to.  It hasn't been quiet this week, however, with the Thanksgiving holiday and all my family around me the entire week.

Steve carved up the turkey.

Rachel organized the kids for an awesome Thanksgiving theatrical debut.

Aunt Nellie is always a big hit with the kids.  She was the life of the party with her marshmallows and hot chocolate.

Rachel obediently made signs for the various dishes (this one is stuffing) . . . doing it HER way, of course.

Steve and I were in charge of pies this year.  They were yummy--even if I do say so myself.

My radiation treatments are going very well.  I can't feel a thing when I get a treatment: I just have to take the technician's word for it that the buzzing noise means I'm getting radiated.  So far, I haven't had any side effects, either.  Every other time I go, they drape a fancy sparkling cloth over me so that the machine will deliver the radiation closer to the skin surface.  I told them I feel like a knight in shining armor when I get to wear my "mithril" mail (for Hobbit fans).

I'll be in residence here for about 2 more weeks, until December 7th (at which time I will beat a hasty retreat for home).  Until then, I sing "I'll Be Home for Christmas" in my heart.

We got in a round of black-light mini-golf.  One of my favorite activities!

Fighting off a ferocious dinosaur.

Man-eating whale on the loose!

The adults all got wooped by my "baby" sister--who toted her year-old baby on her back the whole time!

Radiation--Next step on the "Yellow Brick Road"

Sometimes I feel like Dorothy, making her way through dangers untold to the Emerald City where she hopes to get her life back to the way it used to be.  In the meantime, she (and I) chant: "There's no place like home!"

Steve's parents are home.  Yeah!

I finally have more to report on my road to good health.  I have finished convalescing from surgery and started the radiation process.  (No, you will not be able to use me as a nightlight on moonless nights. ;-)

Yesterday, I got to have a mold made of my upper body so that the radiation team will be able to position me in exactly the same place each time I arrive for radiation.  Radiation is targeted very specifically where my cancer used to be, so it will not effect my whole body like chemo did.  It will be like getting a sunburn every day in that spot, and I may be a little more tired than I would otherwise be, but that's all.  (After chemo, everything else is a cake-walk anyway.)

I made Megan a rainbow cake for her birthday.

The radiation treatments start in earnest on November 14th.  Actually, that will be a dry run.  I'll get my first dose of radiation the next day.  (Watch out for the Incredible Glowing Woman!)  I get my dose of radiation every weekday (excluding holidays) for 11 to 15 days.  Speaking of which, I have officially signed the papers to participate in the study that decreased the amount of days I have to get radiated from 6 weeks down to 3.  WAY better!  I'll be finished during the first week of December.

I will be living with my sister Janelle in Pleasant Grove for the duration of my treatments.  (Thanks so much to everyone who offered me a place to stay--you are wonderful!)  I have mixed feelings about my temporary move.  I'm kind-of excited to get a taste of the single life again.  I have a long list of things I want to do--including sewing projects and writing.

But, at the same time, I know I will really miss my family!  And I'm worried about my 4-year-old "baby" missing me.  This week, we were only gone for 2 days, and she cried on the phone when she talked to me.  Sad!  Plus, I have gone to very few cancer treatments without my wonderful husband.  He's been my constant companion and comfort in this whole ordeal.  I know I could never have gotten through cancer without him.  Going to treatments for 3 weeks alone will be a challenge.  I hope I'm up to it!

I dream of Genie, and Cinderella

Nancy Drew

Black Cat

While we were at the Huntsman this week, we looked into the exercise and wellness programs they have.  We talked with a very enthusiastic secretary who wanted us to try everything.  I nearly burst out laughing when she very earnestly urged Steve to try acupuncture.  (Those of you who know him well understand why. ;-)  As it turned out, I won't be able to take advantage of their programs, because we decided to get my treatments at their South Jordan facility, thus shaving about half an hour off my commute-time. 

So, I have a big change coming in my near future.  This step may prove to be the hardest of all on my journey--not because of the treatment itself, but because of the separation from my family.  At least, we'll be together on the weekends and for Thanksgiving, and the process will only last half as long as we originally planned.  So, I am grateful for that.

My sister-in-law writes about something she's grateful for every day during November.  I think that's an awesome practice, and one worth implementing not just for a month, but for the entire year.  I just can't be gloomy when I start counting all my blessings!

Things are Looking Up

I just wanted to offer a quick update, for those who wonder if I'm still down-and-out and that's why I haven't written for awhile.

Actually, I'm doing very well.  Life has returned to a semblance of normalcy, and I've been busy enough that I haven't gotten around to my blog . . . so that's a good thing.  ;-)  I was getting really tired of sitting around doing nothing all day.  That may be fun for one day, but when it's a couple of weeks, it gets old. 

For awhile I should be able to stand on my own two feet and take care of my family.  Not that I don't appreciate all the help we've gotten--everyone has been wonderful!--but it's nice for me to be able to cook meals and do some cleaning around the house.  I still can't push or lift with my arms, so my sister-in-law came over yesterday to mop and vacuum.  She's so awesome!

The next step on my cancer road is radiation.  That will start on November 14th.  My original plan was to get an apartment in Salt Lake (since radiation treatments are daily), but we found out that I WILL be able to participate in a clinical trial that will be many less treatments than we'd originally planned for.  So, I'm going to live with my sister in Pleasant Grove until radiation is done, about the end of November or first week of December.

We're very excited that Steve's parents will get home from their mission next week.  We're anxious to see them again.  They'll be here in plenty of time for Megan's birthday, and to help out on the home front while I'm missing in action for radiation.

And one other good thing I have to mention: my hair is growing back!  Yeah!  It's like baby hair--soft and fuzzy.  Jessie likes to stand next to my chair and rub her cheek on top of my head.  It's about the length of a military cut right now, so I look like G.I. Jane.  Maybe another month or two, and I might even be able to go out in public without a hat.  :-)

I'm A Survivor!

I just have to "shout out" to the world that I got a clean bill of health today from my doctor: the pathology report from my surgery showed NO cancer!  I am now cancer-free. :D  So, technically, I can now say I'm a survivor!  I just need to finish up the treatments (radiation, specifically) that will pound a few additional nails into the cancer coffin.  Take THAT, cancer!

The Bag Lady

I feel like the "bag lady" this week.  The surgeons installed my very own built-in drains to keep the swelling down at my surgery sites.  (Now I REALLY look like a Borg!)  I have spaghetti-like tubes coming out of my sides that connect to little rubbery bags I have to pin to the inside of my shirts.  Talk about making me look fat!  More than ever, I resemble one of the bells my mom collects: slender top and very wide bottom.  Hopefully, someday, I'll be able to balance my shape a little better, preferably toward the "slender" side.

I haven't had a whole lot of pain, at least less than I expected.  When my pain meds lapse, it feels like somebody locked my chest in one of those colonial wooden stockades and I have to lug it around everywhere I go.

But all of that is nothing next to the boredom.  I've decided it takes a great deal of patience to recover from surgery.  I guess that's true of many other types of recovery--including emotional and spiritual ones.  Some things just take time, and you can't exactly rush the process.  Lucky for me, I live in the age of electricity and computers.  I can download video games and watch T.V.  But even that gets a little tedious at times.  (Hard to believe, I know. ;)

Yesterday, Steve took Jess and me for a drive up the canyon to help me combat my cabin fever.  The leaves are turning, with patches of bright red and yellow everywhere you look.  This is my favorite time of year.  I love the colors of fall, the cooler weather, and the holidays.  For those who are wondering if I'll manage my annual spook house, I admit I'm already scheming.  I hope I'll be recovered enough by then to pull something off--probably scaled down from my usual ambitious project, but fun, nonetheless!  Hmmm.  Maybe the theme this year should be "For whom the bell tolls."

The above pictures were taken the last couple of weekends.  I really enjoyed being out on the mountains and having the strength and energy to heft logs into our truck bed.  Steve had a good group of girls to help him prepare for winter. :)  We all had fun, and it was great to be able to get some work done before surgery incapacitated me. 

Here, Jess appreciates the cream of a banana-cream pie. She's enjoyed being the only child this week, although I think she gets bored too.  We both miss her sisters.  Luckily, we'll be home in just two more days! 

The Power of Prayers

I don't have a lot of stamina right now, but I wanted to give everyone a quick update on my status.  I went in for surgery on Monday morning.  The doctors said everything went very well, although I was in surgery 2 hours longer than they predicted--making a total of 5 hours.  Then it took me about an hour to wake up.  It was a little stressful for my family, waiting so long, but I didn't know the difference. :)

I'm not in as much pain as I expected.  I got to leave the hospital yesterday, and now I'm staying with my parents while I recover.  We'll go home next week after follow-up doctor visits.

I want to let everyone know how very grateful I am for all of the prayers and fasting!  Someone told me today that I'm "tough as nails."  Well, I never really considered myself tough, so I know that the burden of this surgery was eased because of all of your prayers.  The Lord has truly blessed me, and made my burdens light.  Thank you so much for all you've done for me and my family!

Pavlov's Dogs

I think most everyone has heard of Pavlov and his experiments with dogs: how he conditioned an automatic response in them to a stimulus, like a ringing bell.

Well, last Monday I discovered that I am just like those dogs.  (Not that I'm calling myself a dog, or anything :)  Returning to the infusion center was one of the hardest things I've done.  I knew in my head that I didn't have to get the nasty FEC stuff, only Herceptin.  But my body reacted the same way it has for the last 4 treatments; with fear, anxiety, stomach upset, etc.  I was an emotional wreck!

Somehow, I got through the treatment and gradually calmed down.  The good news is, I felt great the next day.  With FEC, I was pretty much down-and-out for a week and a half, but Herceptin has very few side effects, and I have relatively good energy with no stomach troubles.  Hurray!

Besides getting a treatment on Monday, I met with 3 doctors in preparation for the second half of my cancer treatments.  We saw the reconstruction surgeon, the radiologist, and my regular chemo doctor.  After that, I have a pretty clear picture of how treatments will play out over the next 6 months.

I have surgery coming up in less than 2 weeks now.  After that, I will need to meet with the reconstruction surgeon once a week until radiation starts on November 7th.  I will undergo radiation once a day for 31 days.  In the meantime, I'll continue getting Herceptin every 3 weeks until the end of February.  (Hopefully, I'll get over my Pavlov response soon!)  Then, reconstruction surgery will happen about next April.

Visiting Grandma and Grandpa "G"

I think the radiation may well be the hardest trial I'll face throughout this whole ordeal.  It isn't that the radiation itself is difficult, but since it's every day I'll have to live near the hospital for 6 weeks.  We're looking into renting an apartment.  Being separated from my family like that will be really difficult.  Steve has been right by my side through everything so far (except when he had to undergo his own surgery), so it will be hard to go up to the hospital without him.  Not being able to see my kids each day and take care of them will be equally tough.  Steve has promised they will all come fetch me home, or visit me each weekend, so that will help.  I'm also really grateful that Steve's parents will be home from their mission by then, as we will desperately need their babysitting skills while I'm missing in action. :-)

Huge "shout out" to all our babysitters!

So, with one thing and another, we will soon be keeping the road hot again with weekly trips.  But we do what we have to do to get me well again. 

I got an MRI on Tuesday to see how much of the tumor (if any) is left.  I don't know the results of the test yet.  However, I found a comparison between the test and my experience with cancer in general.

For 20 minutes, I had to lie completely still on my stomach.  I held a "panic button" to signal the technician if anything went really wrong--like I got claustrophobic or something.  At the end of the scan, they injected a contrast into my veins for 9 minutes.  I was paranoid of an allergic reaction after my experience with Taxol (which proved to be an unfounded fear), but the technician was careful to caution me against squeezing the panic button for anything less than a real emergency.  I wasn't supposed to signal them just to ask how much longer I had to endure the injection, for example.  So, I was a good doobie and held still for the entire 20 minutes without squeezing the "panic button."

I relate that to cancer by reminding myself that my job is to figuratively "lie still" and endure everything that comes at me.  It doesn't do much good to ask, "Is it over yet?"  Eventually, it will be, even though right now it seems to be taking such a long time.  Maybe by the summer of 2013 I can do a happy dance and rejoice that cancer is gone and I got through it.

Our extended family is so awesome!  Thanks so much for all your service!